On child-men, growing up, and finances
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Facebook it! | 02/1/08
It’s been a while since I’ve read an article that raised my blood pressure. I’ve long since tired of listening to demeaning stereotypes toward men and having broad-sweeping opinions shoved down my throat by someone who portends to know what my gender is all about. I experienced quite a bit of this in college and it’s taken over ten years to degauss my moral compass from the polarizing it took while I was there.
Kay Hymowitz calls broadly most of unmarried male Generation Y “child-men,” which implies an existence in “a new hybrid state of semi-hormonal adolescence and responsible self-reliance.” Apparently if you’re male, out of college or nearly so, and unmarried, you’ve got no greater goals in life than to play video games, read Maxim, play Halo 3, ignite the methane coming out of your backside, go to bars, hook up, and go nowhere fast — and prefer to have it that way, thank you very much. Appalling! You should be selling your XBox, getting married, and, bluntly, growing up. In the meantime, the thoughtful, albeit irritated or despondently heartbroken, woman stands by in disapproval and wonders why this is so.
It’s these kinds of emasculating, counterproductive generalizations that, if believed and acted upon in haste, will produce far more irritation and heartbreak than if guys grow up when they themselves realize that they’re not adolescents anymore, that the bar scene just isn’t cutting it, and that Halo 3 expertise isn’t a marketable skill. The more of a guy’s colleagues that get married and have kids, the less appealing this lifestyle becomes because he starts to look like an old man trying to relive his youth.
Now, it’s true that guys are getting married later than they used to, for whatever reasons, and that there are many more exciting escapes for postponing this move than there used to be. But some guys get married young, and are fully ready for it. There are several young couples in our church. The values of yesteryear do exist, and marriage takes two willing participants. So, single women looking to marry, if Hymowitz’s arguments make perfect sense and if the guys you’re spending time with are “child-men,” then just look elsewhere. But please don’t wish that they would change; look for men who have changed, and make sure also that you’re the kind of woman that they’d want to marry.
That’s plenty on what I think of her opinion. Here are a few final thoughts that tie finances into the mix:
- Getting married before you’re pretty sure that you’re ready to get married, man or woman, is a really bad idea. The average age of marriage is what it is, for whatever reason, and if a guy is clinging to a “child-man” lifestyle, he’s not ready. I wasn’t ready for a long time. I was a month away from my thirtieth birthday when I got married, and I wouldn’t change this for anything. It was the right time for me. Staying married is enough work even when you want to be married. Getting married before you’re ready is asking for a lot of emotional and financial hardship.
- I’ll agree that playing a lot of video games, going to bars, etc., does sap your productivity at a time when it will bring the most benefit. If two or three hours a day is average for video game playing at this age, then that’s a lot of time. Money earned at this stage of the game has a long time to compound and can make a huge difference on the bottom line in retirement. Money not earned, or, worse, money spent, will not be there, several times over, at retirement. Child-man-ness, especially the poor financial and time habits that come with it, is a choice. And with that choice comes some habits that are pretty tough to get rid of, so beware.
- From my own experience, it’s best to “grow up” at your own pace. If you grow up earlier than you should, life is “thrust upon you” and you’ll feel cheated. If you grow up later than you should, you’ll know it, and others will tell you once they get tired enough of your behavior. If you grow up at the right speed, you know what you’re leaving behind, and you know that where you’re going has a good chance of being better. After nearly six years of marriage I hardly remember what it was like not to be married, and when I think about what it was like, I don’t miss it that much. But I was ready to “grow up” and get married. There’s more responsibility being a grown-up, but it’s also more rewarding and more fulfilling. That’s where the payoff is, but it’s a payoff that you have to want.
15 Responses to “On child-men, growing up, and finances”
By plonkee on Feb 1, 2008 | Reply
I agree that there’s nothing wrong with being young when you’re young. Why on Earth should everyone stop playing computer games and get married?
As for the time spent, honestly, from a money-making point of view, hours spent hanging out with your kids or your partner are just as un-productive as going to bars.
By Zeke on Feb 1, 2008 | Reply
Just another dressed-up opinion masquerading as something more substantial. These sorts of generalizations are naive, never provide the entire picture, and are almost always counter-productive.
Probably sells lots of newspapers though.
By Beth on Feb 1, 2008 | Reply
I agree that people should grow up by themselves – you have to make your own mistakes, to really understand them!
Plus, marriage isn’t for everyone, and it shouldn’t be pushed onto everyone, the same as having kids isn’t for everyone. Everyone needs to grow up and take responsibility, but that doesn’t have to include getting married.
By deepali on Feb 1, 2008 | Reply
I wish society would stop pushing this idea on women that we MUST get married, and if we’re not, it’s because men can’t grow up. Rubbish.
On the other hand, it’s yet another argument for gay marriage. If women are so intent on getting married and aren’t able to find a suitable mate, they ought to just be able to marry each other.
But one serious and useful point from the child-man theory is that developing personal relationships is something that generally makes us happy. Biologically speaking, these relationships should be in person, but that doesn’t preclude video game night.
By debtdieter on Feb 1, 2008 | Reply
Interesting, I’m 38, single (never married), no kids. I guess in her book I’m a dried up old spinster or something?
I wonder if she’s checked the divorce rate on those married with 2 kids at 26 in 1965′ group?
By Mrs. Micah on Feb 1, 2008 | Reply
I don’t think people should be forced to grow up faster than suits them. It can lead to really unhappy adults instead. Do we need more depressed middle-aged men and women?
I talked to a guy on Wednesday who spent his early twenties traveling, went back to college, got a degree, then an MBA, then started his own business. He seems pretty responsible…and he just had a baby with Downs (whose ears I was testing). That’s going to be a big responsibility for the rest of his life. But now he’s grown up and better able to handle it. 5 years ago? Maybe not so much.
By Money Blue Book on Feb 1, 2008 | Reply
Interesting…well I definitely know what the article is talking about – I guess I might be sort of like that myself, but I think it’s important to grow up at one’s own pace. Rushing into something like marriage or parenthood when one party is not ready isn’t right or helpful. We all experience peer pressure as children and I guess this is peer pressure once again for adults.
By mbhunter on Feb 2, 2008 | Reply
Thanks for the comments everyone.
Deepali: A social video game night is a good thing. It’s cheap in money (if not time) and people generally have a good time.
Mrs. Micah: I was in school until I was 28. I went straight into grad school from college. I probably spend more time in there than I should have, but overall I came out ready to “face the world.” Now, a high school friend was married in college, and already has four kids. He went to law school married, and they had their first child while he was there. I think that would have been way too stressful for me.
By deepali on Feb 2, 2008 | Reply
I’m all for video game night! Especially with all those fun Wii sporting games. You get exercise playing the games and watching other people play (from laughing so hard!).
By jana on Feb 2, 2008 | Reply
nicely put. i agree with you and others who said growing up should not be rushed any everyone should develop by their own pace. including us women. believe it or not, we also like doing things like going to bars and parties and playing games – and the sooner or later gravitate more towards being at home more and maybe cook a sophsticated meal or something (not all women are eager to marry and have ton of kids though – i believe that generalising men as “peter pan syndrome victims who just want to watch footbal and get drunk” is about the same mistake as considering all women ůcreatures who do not carry about anyhting but havimg children”:)
By Matt on Feb 6, 2008 | Reply
I wouldn’t worry about what she says too much. The vast majority of advice benefits the advisor, not the advisee, as is the case here.
Of course the author would want men to get married. Marriage in this society vastly benefits the woman. For all of women’s talk about “equality,” in many marriages I have seen it is the woman who is in control. And the men are miserable. Ironically enough, the happiest marriages I have seen are ones where the husband and wife both hold more traditional roles.
As a young man I have to ask, why would I give up single life where I do as I please for a woman who thinks I “should be folding the laundry.”
By Kelly on Feb 8, 2008 | Reply
My husband enjoys playing X-Box 360 and going drinking with his friends once in awhile and you know what? I tell him to have a good time. He works hard, helps me with housework, supports me emotionally and is a good man. I don’t consider a man immature if these are his hobbies, my husband is 37. If he wants to play video games on Saturday I let him have his time without making him feel guilty about it.
By Pete @ biblemoneymatters on Feb 28, 2008 | Reply
I’ve had the argument with my wife about playing xbox360 on Saturdays – she says that any guy over 18 who plays video games is just a man-child (how appropriate for this post). I on the other hand happen to think its a nice stress reliever after a long hard day at work – kind of like her reality tv shows that i can’t stand to watch
. Hey, it’s also a nice way to socialize with friends that I otherwise don’t see much.
On the other hand – i do think that way too many men (and women) shirk responsibility for too long because they just want to have a good time. I think you have to find a healthy balance between being a responsible adult, and allowing yourself to have some free time and stress-relieving activities.
By jack on Feb 6, 2009 | Reply
It’s not the hobby (gaming, going out, etc…), it’s the person’s immature behavior that is at the heart of the matter.
By Jack on Sep 30, 2009 | Reply
Getting married should not be a response to womens insecurity, and us man providing a ways for them to feel good. We are not to follow their expectations, why should we? They themsleves must also mature and learn that man are not suppliers, or that we are not here to make them feel good. A marriage should be a final product of a mature relationship, and not an imposed expectation of a group of insecure people, otherwise the percent of divorce couples will continue to grow steady!